Fictional Characters Come Out for Dumbledore

I found it impossible not to respond to J.K. Rowling’s announcement last year that Dumbledore was gay.


Author J.K. Rowling’s announcement that Dumbledore is gay unleashed a firestorm of criticism from some young fans- and a show of solidarity from lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgender fictional characters. At a press conference held yesterday, Dumbledore, with life partner Hagrid by his side, wiped a tear from his rheumy eye as he acknowledged his closeted compadres, many of whom came out- literally! to join him. “At first, I was stunned that Ms. Rowling outed me on national television,” he told those assembled. “But now, I’m grateful. We no longer have to live a lie.”
Frodo Baggins held hands with a giggling Sam Gangee, who he introduced as his “best friend with benefits.” “Oh, come on,” he told those in attendance. “Like you didn’t know?”
Nancy Drew, with her chum, Bess Marvin, in tow, had a few choice words for the press. “That whole thing with Ned Nickerson,” she said. “well, it was just a sham I cooked up to spare my father embarrassment. Bess and I have been “sleuthing” in the backseat of my sporty blue roadster for decades.”
Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer approached the podium and embraced passionately, to enthusiastic applause. When asked about Injun Joe, Tom said, “He didn’t die in that cave. The truth is, he left small-town, small-minded Missouri for the Big Apple, where he later became one of the original members of The Village People.” And what of Jim, the muscular runaway slave? “Tom and I weren’t exclusive back then,” Huck explained. “After our commitment ceremony on Maui last year, all that has changed.”
Batman and Robin made an appearance. “Big surprise there,” said one sarcastic attendee. Some other notable couples: Peanuts’ Peppermint Patty and Scooby Doo’s Velma, as well as Melville’s Captain Ahab and Forester’s Horatio Hornblower. (“The name certainly fits!” Ahab observed, with a wry grin.) Appearing solo was Han Solo, or Hanna Solo, as she now likes to be called. “I know, Princess Leia, those hair muffs, honestly, what was I even thinking?” she said. “I knew I was in trouble when I started finding her less hot than Chewbacca.”
The only negative note was struck by the presence of a grubby, threadbare Pat the Bunny. “When I think of all those little kids being encouraged to touch him…” someone in the audience was overheard to say, “well, that’s just wrong.”