Apology to MTV

I'm not sure how many of you know the MTV show "My Super Sweet Sixteen." I'm not a fan, in fact, it's pretty awful, but it definitely lends itself to lampooning.



Dear MTV,

Let me begin by apologizing for what happened to your equipment. I’m sure that stuff isn’t cheap. I’m sorry about the cameraman and sound guy, too, but you have to understand a couple of things. First, Tiffani thought she was getting a cherry-red Mercedes convertible. I’m not sure if the miscommunication was with Lance or the dealership, but when the hardtop arrived, she was understandably disappointed. Then, your show is called My Super Sweet Sixteen, so when they saw Tiffani get behind the wheel, especially considering her state of mind, it was pretty moronic of them to try to capture it on tape. You’ll be happy to know Tiffani got her learner’s permit today, so I can only surmise that any emotional damage caused by the incident was temporary. Lance and my current husband Javier have agreed to split their medical bills, or was it funeral expenses? Whatever.

Second, I really had no way of knowing that Tiffani’s friend Savanna would flip out like that! For her to sneak back and do what she did was completely out of character. I didn’t know it was even possible to learn how to make a pipe bomb on the internet! While Tiffani’s comment (an aside, really, to a small group of friends) about Savanna’s bulimia and how it apparently isn’t working because she is still an obese pig might be perceived as insensitive, the true insensitivity was in your decision to air it. Still, I am sorry about the explosion, though from what I hear, Mr. Trump has already started to rebuild the casino. I also apologize for our sudden change of venue from Atlantic City to Montreal, but with the death threats, it just seemed prudent.

Please forgive my overreaction to the color scheme at the Montreal Royal Marquis. Apparently Canadians don’t understand the difference between hot pink and fuchsia. Needless to say, I was somewhat hormonal that day. Yes, I did hold a steak knife to that party planner’s throat, but I would never have actually hurt her, except that she kept twitching like that.

I’m sorry Jay-Z was offended that I thought he was the stripper we’d hired. But seriously, I don’t know what got into Beyonce. I mean, I explained to her that my hand was down there because I was trying to stick fifty bucks into his boxers. I mean, Jay-Z wasn’t complaining! To have her go after me like that… anyway, I was just trying to defend myself, and up until then, I had no idea what extensions even were. I can tell you this: they are certainly not worth the $5,000 she claims she paid for them. I guess I could kind of understand the two of them not wanting to perform at Tiffani’s party, but I am so grateful that they finally did. They put on a great show. Please tell them, too, that no matter what Javier said, I’ve never seen him pistol-whip anyone. I think he just heard that on Law and Order. We just needed them onstage and in position before Tiffani’s grand entrance. Cirque du Soleil swore the Siberian tiger was trained, but when you throw in the pyrotechnics…we really just had their safety in mind.

Anyway, MTV should be hearing from my lawyer soon regarding the defamation of character lawsuit (see attached document). I feel kind of bad, because you seemed like such nice people, but between my impending divorce, the expense of Savanna’s mental health facility, the reconstruction costs due Mr. Trump, and Beyonce’s weave, I owe people a lot of money, and it’s got to come from somewhere.


Sincerely,
Amanda “Foxy” Robinson